Antarctic takeways

I have been back from Antarctica for just over a week now, with a lot of time to reflect. After our field season ended prematurely (story about that another time), I wanted to be home the second I got back to Scott Base, and while it is a fantastic place, you have no control over your return date to New Zealand. The work was done - that's how it felt at least - summer was slowly dwindling away at home and I had to spend 12 days at a base I always considered to be a transitional facility. But now that I am home, I realise that my time on the ice and at Scott Base was incredibly valuable. Here are my main takeaways from this season on a personal level: 

1) I have learned more about myself and how other people perceive me. 
2) I am mentally and physically stronger than I have ever been. 
3) I have immense gratitude for the team we were with. 
4) I am capable.  

For some, these seem logical and reasonable. I think a lot of people feel relatively content with who they are and they are able to present themselves in ways that makes sense to them, without the need to conform. But I am not that person, and have never been that person. To me these points signify a lot of personal growth and I am grateful.

The beauty of Antarctica is the fact that you are (often) with a small group of people for a long time, and at some point everyone becomes comfortable with one another - exactly as they are. Antarctica provides the space for people's individual strengths to come out and for those strengths to be noticed and appreciated by your fellow colleagues. Every single person in an Antarctic field camp - however small or big - has a role to play. Every single person adds to the success of a field camp. This means that I also had a big role to play.  

When I look back on what I helped to achieve at the Siple Coast, it is all too easy to think that my role was insignificant and that anyone could have done this work, and I stand behind that. Anyone with passion and drive (and privilege) for this work can do what I did this season. 

My experience and my knowledge are only a product of the amount of time I have put into it - and anyone can do that. But it is not everyone who gets the chance to visit Antarctica, let alone camp on an ice shelf for multiple weeks, and I see my privilege. I am immensely grateful for the people who decided to take a chance on me and ultimately, it doesn't matter whether others could have done this work or not, I was there and I did the work. 

Field work allowed me to learn about myself (who am I when there are hardly any worldly distractions around?), learn how other people perceive me, learn about my own capabilities, and learn about the importance of the team that we were with. Without the team's words of encouragement, drive, openness, and compassion, I probably would not have been able to see myself in such a different light. 

When we returned to Scott Base (imagine a backpackers that has roughly 70 to 100 people living in it at any one time) I was overwhelmed with the feeling of wanting to be back in New Zealand. It surprisingly took a lot of brain power to not think about going home the whole time and the fact that I could not control that. In that way, my stay at base allowed me to learn even more about myself, my mental state, and what works (or doesn't work) for me personally. Through this I was able to set boundaries and pass time in a way that made sense to me. In all truth, I think the entire season has given me a better idea about who I am as a person. 

This new, openminded, and clear-eyed Linda got home and realised... that home just meant back to normality and that that (for me) has shifted. Coming back to almost infinite possibilities and having a new perspective forced me to think about some things.  What makes me feel valued? What do I want to focus on? How much time do I realistically have to do all the things that drive me? Why do I feel like I want to do all of this, but simultaneously I really don't want to do anything right now? How do I structure my PhD, how do I structure my life, what do I value? 

The brain is a constantly evolving organ and this too is part of its progress. I highly value this new perspective and I am trying to hold onto it, trying to give it a place in my life, trying to hold onto the peace that has come with it. Soon, I will be diving back into work and I will start all the meaningful projects I has been thinking about and I will slowly change my perspective again. For now, I am doing things that I value, things that I think are important and things that are good for my brain. There's enough time to work hard, there's rarely enough time to fully relax. 

If you made it this far, thank you so much. I am not too sure what I wanted to achieve writing this post. Maybe I wanted to make sure that people know that the "expedition to Antarctica" outlook on these field campaigns takes away a lot of the nuance of the day-to-day work. Yes, it is an immense privilege to be able to work in Antarctica. Yes, it is amazing to be down there. Yes, you appreciate the people and the environment and the adventure. If it wasn't clear already, I wouldn't trade my experiences for anything and I am so grateful to have been able to experience this mindbogglingly large icy continent. However, in all truth, Antarctic field work is hard work, mentally and physically. You have a 6 or 7 day work week,  little privacy, no control and an immense distance between you and your friends and family. Life in Antarctica isn't always amazing and adventurous. Sometimes you sit around waiting an entire day for a flight, sometimes you don't feel mentally great, sometimes you are really homesick, and sometimes you really crave normality. 

How many people think (like I used to) that only 'hardcore adventurers' can go to Antarctica? It admittedly is a dangerous place where the weather can kill you, there is no vegetation (okay, there is some vegetation in some places but the continent is devoid of any trees or shrubs), it is cold, and the sun doesn't come up for 4 months of the year, but not-so-hardcore adventurers (like me) also go to the ice - and they can also have successful seasons.